Coming to terms
Sometimes, it can be scary when you have to learn to accept something you never could before. I’m gonna be honest and transparent with this post because it’s important for those reading to get to know me and it’s important for me to share, too!
The first time I dealt with Anxiety was when I moved away to college. It was all new feelings and emotions from being 1200 miles away from everything I had ever known with not a single soul I knew. I attributed my emotions to all of this “new” in my life. My family has a history of anxiety and depression and as much as I wanted to tell myself “that I would never deal with that”, there are just some things you can’t control and it’s absolutely nothing to ever be ashamed of.
I went to therapy on campus a few times and they told me it was likely “adjustment disorder”. Now, I have no idea if this really exists, but I went with it. Maybe it was really all the change and it wasn’t just little change. It was big, life altering change. Not only had I moved away from home (from NY to Florida) when I had never been away from home for more than 2 weeks, but I was pretty alone. My roommates and I (I had 2) were polar opposites and we didn’t really get along. It was a difficult time for me.
Fast forward several years later to 2012 and the emotions and feelings that had been suppressed came rushing back when I had my first son, Luke. I had feelings of failure, of not being good enough and anxiety over how I was going to run a business with a child, too. There were times when my baby would scream and cry because he just wanted to be held but I needed two hands to blog, or edit, or whatever it may be. I found myself getting frustrated at the fact that I wasn’t able to do (as easily) what I had been doing for a couple years prior. Again, I attributed it to the huge life change that happened. After reading on it more, I realized I likely had Postpartum Depression. I was so full of pride that taking medication seemed like “too much” of a step. When Luke was about 5 months old, I had adjusted to our new life and my postpartum depression made it’s way out. In 2014 when I got pregnant with our second baby, Ben, I struggled a bit with fear and anxiety over how I would take care of 2 kids and a business. My irrational thoughts coupled with pregnancy hormones were no match for me. I had a great pregnancy with both of them but the worry of depression happening again after my second baby got to me. After speaking with my doctor, we decided to try an anxiety medicine. It’s a very low dosage, but it has helped, or at least I think it has. Coming to terms with my anxiety has been a blessing. Once I accepted the fact that there are certain things that I cannot control and that it’s ok to receive help, the weight on my shoulders lifted.
Life is blissful, it always has been for me, but there were some times when there were little bumps in the road and the bliss wasn’t as clear to see. I am happier now than I have ever been and learning to manage my anxiety (with or without medication) has been something I’ve had to learn over the last several years. There are times when things need to be let go of. For instance, when I am editing and Ben needs my attention, or Luke needs a snack, I take the time I need to in order to be there for them. Sure, the laundry doesn’t always get done right away, or it sits in the dryer for 2 days, but there are times when you prioritize and manage and do the best you can to be the best you can. Being a business owner is hard. Being a mom is hard. Managing your life and your “hats” is hard. The bliss comes when you learn how to do a little at a time and really see what matters most, when I learned to do that, things fell into place! I wouldn’t trade this life for anything and this business is amazing. When you can just be…life has a way of working itself out.
someone needed a nap
Mr. Smiley <3